Why Does One Negative Comment Stay With Me All Day?

Why do negative thoughts mean more than positive feedback?

You can have ten people tell you that you’ve done a great job, then one person says something slightly critical. Guess which one you think about on the way home? I used to do this myself. Something could go really well, people could be complimentary and I’d feel pretty pleased with myself. Then one person would make a negative comment and that would be the bit I remembered.

Suddenly I’d be going over it in my head. Did I get something wrong? Why did they say that? Maybe I should have done it differently. The comment might have taken ten seconds to say.

I could keep it going for the rest of the day.

There’s actually a reason we do this

Psychologists call it negativity bias.

In simple terms, our brains tend to notice negative information more than positive information.

It makes sense when you think about it. Thousands of years ago, noticing something that might be a threat was considerably more important than noticing something pleasant.

The trouble is, we’re not running away from wild animals anymore.

Sometimes it’s just Dan from accounts saying he wasn’t keen on your presentation. Yet our brain can still give that one negative comment far more attention than all the positive ones.

But why does it really get under your skin?

This is where your Blueprint can come into it. I describe the Blueprint as your mental and emotional engine. It contains your beliefs, values, rules, fears, opinions, personal truths and perceived memories. Together, these help form your identity.

Your Blueprint shapes your thinking, your thinking affects how you feel, and those feelings influence how you behave.

So imagine there’s something in your Blueprint that says:

“Maybe I’m not quite good enough.”

Nine people tell you that you did brilliantly. Lovely.

Then one person says:

“I thought you could have handled that better.”

Which comment is more likely to stick?

The negative one can feel more believable because it fits with something you may already believe about yourself.

That’s when one comment stops being feedback and starts feeling like evidence.

The comment isn’t always the problem

This is something I’ve learnt to become much more aware of myself. Often, it isn’t what somebody says that causes the biggest problem.

It’s what we make it mean. There’s a big difference between thinking:

“I could have handled that better.”

and:

“I’m not good enough at what I do.”

One is about something you did. The other has become about who you are.

ANd...that’s a very different conversation.

Try this next time

When a negative comment is going round and round in your head, ask yourself:

“What am I making this mean about me?”

Then ask:

“Am I giving the positive comments the same amount of attention?”

You don’t need to ignore criticism. Sometimes people have a point, and useful feedback can help us improve. But you can take the useful bit without turning one person's opinion into a judgement on your entire ability. If nine people thought you were brilliant and one person didn’t, perhaps the one person doesn’t automatically need the deciding vote.

Sometimes the real work isn’t learning how to handle criticism.

It’s understanding why that particular criticism had so much power over you in the first place.

And quite often, that takes us back to the Blueprint. If you recognise this pattern and find that criticism, self doubt or worrying about what other people think is affecting your confidence, this is exactly the kind of thing I work on with people through my coaching.

Reach out if you're looking for a conversation about how to change your Blueprint